23 August 2017 · posted in life
Typing this, I'm sat in the sofa, frustrated and irritated, so I apologize in advance for the rant that is about to follow.
For the first 4,5 weeks I only missed 1 day of working out and honestly: I never felt stronger and happier and more motivated about fitness. Putting on the shorts and trainers and getting on hands and knees, literally, doing the work; it was hard. I will not deny that. It was a fight to get through two 7 minute cycles every day. One exceptional day I did five cycles, but most days I struggled to finish two. But for the first time ever, I felt like I was finally giving my body a chance to change, slowly. I finally accepted that this road to health and strength wouldn't be a perfect one, and for me, that's already a very big win. I used to be the person who always restarted every journey after a missed day or skipped meal (or blog post), because of the obsessive need for the journey (blog) to be perfect. Which, in all honesty, we all know is impossible. I'm working on accepting that ups and downs are part of life. Progress not perfection and all that.
After those initial 4 weeks I was just starting to actually feel and see a slight difference in my body, my energy levels, my confidence, my happiness. Maybe it had something to do with being on holiday half of those 4 weeks but I like to think that it was also because I was working hard on my health and fitness. I started out with little expectations for the short term because I knew the more I had the more I was going to be disappointed anyway. I was working to get fit and strong and the rest would follow eventually so I was already happily surprised that I could feel my body adapting and toning up just a tiny little bit. Even though it wasn't really visible yet, I could fit into a sports bra/top that had always been too small and I felt really happy and motivated so it must've been working somehow!
But here I am now, in the sofa, progress 0% for the last 3,5 weeks. Or maybe even -20%. Every time I get up, even if it's only to go to the toilet, I feel physically weak and powerless and it drives me crazy.
After we came back from our road trip one of my knees started aching every time I bent it too much. I just thought that my knees were tired from our very long hikes in the mountains so I let it go. I just did a little bit less the first week back, focusing more on arms and abs. But it wasn't better the second week so I stopped working out altogether and by the 3rd week I got worried it was only getting worse so I went to see a doctor. An echo and some photos later the verdict is in: there is nothing really wrong with my knee but maybe there's a little bit of water in the joint, maybe a little deterioration of the cartilage, maybe even very early signs of arthritis. Something to keep an eye on. (Excuse me, I'm only 27!) The only thing I've been told for sure is: don't do anything that hurts.
So here I am, finally in the mood for fitness and I can't do anything because everything hurts. If you'd know my history with working out you would see the bitter irony. The entire day my knee is just uncomfortable because I feel it. I doesn't really hurt when I sit or stand but you're not really supposed to feel your knees right? Yesterday when I was driving for a while, my other knee started to hurt too so now I'm worried that I haven't seen the end of this "injury" by a long shot.
I know this little update post isn't all unicorns and rainbows and I apologise for the non-motivation but I just really needed to vent my frustrations and since I promised to be open and honest about progress (and setbacks), here I am. This experience has made me realize though how easy it is to take health for granted. This injury isn't even really affecting my life but already I feel so limited. You only really realize what you have and how lucky you are when it's taken from you. Massive respect for people who have to live with limiting conditions every day.
So since working out is not really been an option these last few weeks I've been focusing more on the food side of health which you can check out in the food section of the blog. I'm also looking for ways to work out everything but legs without my knee hurting but so far it's not really been a successful quest. For every bodyweight exercise you need your legs one way or another and all of it is uncomfortable to the point it actually hurts so that's all a big no no. So if you have tips for no-leg-workout-plans, please send them my way! I'm temporarily demotivated, yes, but I'm not ready to give up on this get strong and fit journey entirely just yet. Fingers crossed my knees will get better soon.